Journey to the Heart

Meet the newest member of the family

2009-12-08T22:06:00.002-06:00

Stormy is the newest member of the family. She joins Kayla, Reba, my Pomeranian, and me. We got her to be a guard dog as someone tried to break into our house while we were home a couple of weeks ago. She's been nothing but sweet and funny since we got her, though. She's a one-year-old retired show dog and is absolutely lovable. Today, she is Houdini because she's managed to bust through the little dog's doggie door and through her wire crate (I still have no idea how she managed that one).

Still here

2009-11-03T21:39:00.002-06:00

Life has just been, well, life for the past few weeks. Kayla and I are doing great. Things seem much more relaxed since our finalization. I took care of all her vital records and her name change. It's still hard to believe sometimes that this girl is my child. We have come a long way.

Kayla hung out with her friends on Halloween night and I got some much-needed alone time. I've been doing some freelance writing in my spare time, mostly at night, and so far it's going pretty well. I hope this can be a good part-time income for me.

We had major flooding here last week and part of my fence is washed away. It seems like it's alway something to take care of but it could have been a lot worse.

I dragged Kayla to see Michael Jackson's This is It this past weekend and she was so embarassed by my dancing in the seat. It was hard not to! She said she saw more Michael Jackson in the movie than she'd seen her entire life.

Other than that, we've just been busy, busy, living life.

I'm now officially a mom!

2009-10-07T16:12:00.002-05:00

We had our finalization hearing yesterday...finally, after all this time. It went well except the DHS attorney forgot to get Kayla's consent in writing so we did not get the adoption decree yesterday but it's supposed to be filed today. We should be receiving it in the next few days. Kayla thought she would get away without having to testify but she ended up having to to give consent and I think it was good to have her say it out loud.

My parents were there and as it got closer to time to leave for the courthouse, Kayla got more and more excited. And there was a very noticeable sense of relief from her afterwards. We all went out and celebrated with Chinese food afterwards. It was definitely a momentous day in my life and I'm so proud to be the mother of this little girl...well, I guess she's not so little anymore.

Almost time

2009-10-04T10:39:00.003-05:00

Tuesday we go to court for our finalization hearing. Kayla and I went shopping yesterday for her a new dress to wear and she's really starting to talk about it, so even though she won't say it, I think she is kind of excited about it. My parents are coming up to go with us to court Tuesday and then we'll go celebrate with dinner afterwards. I got Kayla a couple of gifts (a leather jacket she's been dying to have and heart necklace and earrings). I couldn't decide what to do so decided to go with one meaningful gift-the necklace-and the jacket is something she will think is "cool."

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy this rainy, cold Sunday and spend time with my daughter.

The sun will come out....

2009-09-21T20:23:00.004-05:00

I'm exhausted. We've had rain for two weeks here. I finally saw the sun today for the first time in I don't know when but rain is forecast again for tomorrow. I don't know how much more of this I can take. It greatly affects my mood.

Kayla and I are heading into the home stretch with our court date. She doesn't really like to talk about it much but she's never liked to talk about her feelings. I'm just hoping deep down inside she is okay with everything...or at least somewhat okay. If she's having feelings about her own family, it's hard to tell. Our communication is much better these days, though, than it was this time last year. She tells me her grades as soon as she gets them, even if they're bad. She talks to me about her friends. And on a good day she'll talk to me about the guys she likes. We went to her school's open house last week and I got to meet her teachers. She's doing well so far this year in school. She's taking Spanish and Algebra, both which our high school level classes.

As for me, I'm trying to take advantage of all the time she is at dance class to do some things for myself. Go to the gym, meet friends for dinner or coffee, and I've also started dabbling again in some freelance writing. I used to freelance years ago but then life got in the way and I'm hoping I can get some extra money doing something I enjoy. We'll see where it goes. Life is definitely an adventure now. No two days are the same. And even though I'm constantly tired, I wouldn't change a thing.

Remembering 9/11

2009-09-11T09:19:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it's been eight years....this day will always get to me. I was in my first week at a new job in Washington, D.C., one block from the capitol. We thought our city was being bombed and when they finally figured out it was planes and one was heading for the capitol we were told to evacuate immediately. Outside it was utter chaos with everyone trying to get out of downtown D.C. Traffic was in a gridlock and cars were honking their horns. People were screaming and crying on the sidewalk. A couple of co-workers and I got on the subway and headed to Maryland. It was eerily quiet and we all held hands and prayed as we didn't know if someone was going to try to blow up the subway or not. I haven't felt fear like that ever or since and I hope I never do. It is a day I will never forget.

We have a date

2009-09-10T08:36:00.002-05:00

October 6 is our finalization date. I can't believe it's almost here after all this time. I'm trying to think of some things to do to celebrate that special day...does anybody have any ideas?

The calm after the storm

2009-09-04T09:18:00.006-05:00

There hasn't been much to say lately because things are going pretty smoothly right now. Kayla and I are getting ready to finalize, her attitude has been really good (other than the typical teenage moodiness), she's opening up to me more about what's going on in her life. We've come really far. We're still in therapy for now but the therapist believes we can probably terminate once we finalize and just come back when and if we need her.

I'm settling into my new job. I like it okay but I am considering a big career change. I need to think and pray on that for a while, though. Kayla is doing good in school so far and enjoys her dance classes. The weeks fly by since we go from work to dinner to dance to bed every night. It's a fast-moving routine. Our house is still on the market--things are slow now--but I'm convinced it will work out like it's supposed to.

We are heading to Oklahoma today to see my sister who recently moved there. My parents are joining us there too and we will have a fun few days before the manic Fall season begins. I'm just so glad that life feels pretty calm once more. I didn't know if that would happen a couple of months ago but we made it through. I'm starting to get good at these major life adjustments which is scary coming from me who craves routine and hates change. I'm looking forward to seeing what the future holds.

Petition For Adoption

2009-08-26T09:10:00.003-05:00

So I am sitting here looking at our Petition for Adoption. It's finally here...hopefully just a few weeks away. I'm going to sign this document and send it to the attorneys and we should get a court date soon. It seems like I have been waiting for this forever, with all the delays that we have had. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for smooth sailing here on out. This Fall, Kayla should be "officially" my daughter.

The first day of school

2009-08-19T09:05:00.002-05:00

Kayla started eighth grade this morning. I can't believe it. When I was driving down Lee Avenue to drop her off at school, I felt like I had just taken this route yesterday instead of three months ago. What a crazy, fast, emotional summer it has been! Hopefully, the start of school and the fall season will bring good things with it. I'm ready for a routine and some peacefulness. It is certain to go by fast, though, as Kayla has dance five hours a week for three nights a week until nine o'clock at night. So our days will be work and school, homework (hopefully!), dinner, dance and bedtime. It will be Christmas before we know it.

Last year Kayla was the new girl at school and knew no one. This year she has a host of friends and has kept in contact with them all summer. She has a best friend who is on the dance team with her and they planned their first day of school outfits together. She claims to not like her teachers or her schedule but at least she has the social part down for now and feels comfortable and excited about going back to be with her friends. It's hard to believe the changes one year can bring in both our lives.

She's off to camp

2009-08-09T15:38:00.003-05:00

Kayla is off to camp today. A sports and adventure camp is offering foster care children an opportunity to go to a week-long camp free of charge. As the normal fee for this camp is $1,500, this is a great opportunity for these kids. I wasn't sure Kayla would want to go but she was excited about it. Kids from all over the South will be there and she will get to experience all different sorts of kids with all different backgrounds. I'm hoping maybe being around these children who are no longer with their parents may help enable her to open up more about her past. We'll see. But she gets a week away one last time before school starts and I get a week to recharge before the crazy school/dance routine begins for the year. Now I have to figure out what to do with myself for a week!

Dancing queen

2009-08-04T09:34:00.002-05:00

Kayla made the Platinum Dance Team at her dance studio. This is the junior varsity team and one step down from the elite team. All of the dancers on it are 14-15 except for Kayla and her friend Chloe. They both were also asked to try out for the Elite team which is all older girls but Kayla was glad to make the junior varsity team-she wasn't quite ready to be with the older girls yet. I'm so excited for her. I know she will do well and have fun. We register for school today--I can't believe the summer is already over! Where did it go?

Dancing like crazy

2009-07-28T09:03:00.003-05:00

We came back from the beach to a non-stop busy life. Kayla is trying out for a competitive dance team Saturday so all last week and this week she has had dance every night. This makes for very long days as we don't get home until 8:00 and then have to eat dinner. She's excited about dancing, though, and is already convinced she's made it so I hope for her sake she does.

We had a new roof put on the house last week and I spent the weekend painting the porch and running around town like crazy. And I can't believe school is around the corner. Registration is next week. And with the fall-like temperatures around here the last week or so I'm wondering where did the summer go?

A much needed vacation

2009-07-19T15:26:00.002-05:00

I can't begin to tell you how much fun we had at the beach. It was a much-needed vacation for all of us. Kayla got along so well with my niece whose her age and the other kids. It was great being around my family, especially my sister and my parents. I miss having them around. We swam, ate great food, shopped, played mini golf and go-carts and laughed a lot. I'm already ready to go back. I can't believe we have to jump back into the regular routine tomorrow. Ugh! Take me back to the beach!

Picture Perfect Time at the Beach

2009-07-19T15:25:00.000-05:00

Sun, surf and sand

2009-07-10T09:10:00.002-05:00

We are heading to the beach tomorrow with my parents, sister, and four nieces and nephews. We are going to drive halfway tomorrow and then check into our condo at Gulf Shores on Sunday and stay until we check out next Sunday. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to this much-needed vacation. I am especially excited for Kayla because she has never been to the beach, never seen the ocean. It's an awe-inspiring sight when you see it for the first time and I'm grateful I get to share that with her. So for the next week, it will be walks on the beach, dips in the pool, laying out and reading juicy novels, good seafood, and quality time with family. I can't wait!

Goodbye Michael Jackson

2009-07-07T08:53:00.002-05:00

Thank you for creating the soundtrack to my life! Whatever you may have thought about Michael Jackson the person, you can't deny he was a talented artist. His music and dancing will live on forever. Even Kayla, who wasn't alive in his heyday, has choreagraphed a dance to "Thriller" with a friend this past week.

Thank God for a three-day weekend

2009-07-02T23:03:00.003-05:00

I'm so tired. I've been crazy busy at my new job, overcome with allergies, dealing with Kayla's staph infection and teenage attitude, and trying to sell my house. We ended up at the Children's Hospital last weekend for a bug bite on Kayla's chest that grew to the size of a golfball. The first round of antibiotics didn't work but this new one seems to be doing the trick. It hasn't been fun for her, though, because she's had to stay out of the water. She also hasn't felt good which makes her extra moody. Kayla is at a friend's house tonight and I'm enjoying the rest. We are going to stay here this weekend and do some low-key activities, like paint pottery, go to a movie, go to the Clinton Library and see the Space Exhibit, and go downtown to watch fireworks. We also have an open house to get ready for on Sunday so it looks like I'll be doing some heavy duty cleaning also.

I'm so glad I can say goodbye to June and I hope that July fares us much better. We leave next Saturday for the beach and that in and of itself has to make it better. I can't wait to relax with the family and Kayla has never seen the ocean so that will be a wonderful experience to share with her. So starting now, I'm counting down the days until I see white sand...

My crazy summer

2009-06-22T20:57:00.005-05:00

Okay so I started my new job and I quit after two days. I have never done anything like that before in my life but I knew after everything else I didn't want to be miserable at work also. But I didn't leave without another job. I called an attorney I used to work for and and asked him if he was still needing someone and he said yes so I've been working for him the last four days. I really like it. I get to do all the research and writing I want, which is what I love to do. I had to take a pay cut but these days I'm valuing serenity more than money. Let's see how long that lasts!

I've been super busy adjusting to the new job and dealing with the fallout of my house. The buyers backed out last week after we had renewed our offer on the house we were going to buy. Nothing is going my way this month so I'm giving up. If something's meant to happen, it will happen.

Kayla has been busy hanging out at the pool. I found a couple of friends who were willing to let her tag along on their summer days so she is doing fine. We started back with family therapy tonight and it went really well. The therapist said she could see we had come a long way since she saw us last--so maybe one thing is going right and it's the most important. Kayla's spending the night with a friend tonight so I'm trying to catch up on my rest but I think I need about five more days....

I've got a job!

2009-06-14T22:10:00.004-05:00

I start my new job tomorrow. I'm a little nervous and I wish there was a way I could have taken more time off but as a single mom I'm the only one who pays the bills. I hope it goes well. I've never even set foot in the place so I have no idea what to expect. They offered me the job over the phone and created a position for me. Kayla picked out my outfit to wear tomorrow--she's excited for me. So off I go on another new adventure (there's been way too many of these lately).

By the way, does anybody have any suggestions of what to do with a 13-year-old girl during the summer? She's too old for day camps and too young to stay by herself. I have several friends who are helping me out this week but it seems like there should be an easier solution for kids this age.

Happy Birthday, Kayla

2009-06-10T21:41:00.002-05:00

You're a teenager! Oh my! May all your wishes and dreams come true and may you please not send me to the insane asylum during your teen years! I love you, sweet girl.

One year ago...

2009-06-09T12:52:00.004-05:00

Kayla moved in with me one year ago. How time flies! I can't believe it has been a year since this little petite blue-eyed blonde beauty who was to be my daughter moved about 30 boxes of stuff!!! into my house. Last summer we were two strangers trying to get to know one another as mother and daughter. Talk about an adjustment. There were many times I wondered what I was doing and why I was doing it but I kept putting one foot in front of the other and here we are a year later. We are no longer strangers...in fact I can't get her to stop talking most days...or stop moving. She is no longer the scared quiet little girl. Walls have come down and yet many more still need to come down. But this relationship is a work in progress and we have definitely progressed. We have fun, laugh and tell jokes together. Some days I'm not her favorite person and some days she's not mine but we are forging a bond through thick and thin. We've already had to weather some storms with the delay of her adoption and then the loss of my job but I think (and hope) going through these things together will bring us closer together in the end. I have fought hard for her and I hope she knows I will continue to fight for her forever. I appealed to the school district to transfer her to a different school and won. I appealed to DHS to give us a subsidy and won--and our social worker said in all her years she has never seen anyone win a subsidy appeal on the first appeal. I did have a new house for her and was pretty much financially set but I guess God has other plans for us. I don't know where will be living or what life will be like one month, six months or a year from now but I do know that we are in this together and we will be okay, just the two of us.

And thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Last week was rough but I do have some job offers on the table and hope to have accepted one by the end of the day. Now I've just got to figure out where we are going to live...

Are we in a depression yet?

2009-06-01T19:44:00.003-05:00

I was laid off from my job Friday afternoon with absolutely no warning. They laid off the two of us that had been at the firm the longest due to the economy, so they say. I was shocked, still am, but feel a little better today. To top it all off, I had just sold my house Thursday and bought another one. So now I have no job and nowhere to live in a month. I was so scared of what to tell DHS and how they would react. But I called our adoption specialist today and she was really nice and assured me I would find something soon and seemed willing to work with me as I go through this phase in my life. Kayla is actually handling it really well--much better than me. Her attitude was great all weekend. Who knows what's going on inside her head, though. I already have a couple of interviews lined up. One tomorrow and one Friday in my parents' hometown so we'll just see what happens. I know God has a plan and I'll end up where I'm supposed to be...the journey there is tough, though.

Life on life's terms

2009-05-22T09:17:00.006-05:00

I referenced Kayla's fit from the other night in the previous post. It was a doozy with all sorts of venom spewed towards me out of nowhere. I got the "you think you're perfect" speech among others and then she ran to her room declaring to me "to leave her alone." What fun for me. She knows exactly what buttons to push with me and it's so hard not to react. Thank you to those who have shared their insight and advice with me. I am immensely grateful to those who have walked in my shoes and are willing to share with me their thoughts and experience. We seem to have a few good days and then a night like the other night. I'm learning, though, that it's not me she's angry at--it's the circumstances of her life and who better to vent her anger towards than me. Kayla's not one to talk to or admit to any feelings, though, so trying to comfort her or get her to talk about it does no good at all. She continues to deny that anything wrong ever went on her life and that she has any bad feelings at all. It's frustrating to say the least but I am practicing patience these days as this is not an overnight process. I hope for her sake that she can connect to those feelings and earlier life experiences so that she can move forward.

We were supposed to finalize this month but DHS has extended the court date once again to give Kayla a chance to come to terms with the circumstances of her life and being adopted. We now have a new court date of October. At first I was shocked that it was so far out but I'm starting to think maybe she does need that time to process things some more. Our therapist is out for the month of May due to surgery but hopefully she will be back in June so we can continue working on getting through Kayla's walls.

This weekend we are off to see the family and I hope to get some much needed, R&R. I have my house on the market and I'm looking for a new one on top of all this so life has been pretty stressful. I need a pool, a book, and some grandparents to watch the kids while I nap.

Our American Idol!

2009-05-21T10:48:00.003-05:00

We are so excited that our hometown boy, Kris Allen, won American Idol! It shocked me because I thought Adam had it sewn up. But we are so proud of Kris-and I loved his duet with Keith Urban-best of the night.

The night was great until Kayla threw a fit and had a meltdown but that's for another post. Such is the life these days.

A bonding moment

2009-05-14T22:56:00.003-05:00

Kayla is away on a school field trip. They went on a camping overnight. Well, she jsut called me about a half hour ago to just talk and tell me about her day. She said she fell in the mud and then got stuck in an ant pit and almost called me to come get her but decided to tough it out. Okay, Kayla has never called me just to chat about anything. When she has talked to me on the phone before, she never says much, just tells me what she needs. This may not seem like much but this is huge for a girl who never likes to talk about anything in her life or her feelings whatsoever, especially to me. I think we just had a bonding moment.

A dancing Mother's Day

2009-05-11T09:06:00.004-05:00

We had a busy and wonderful Mother's Day weekend. My parents and four-year-old niece came up Saturday morning. My mom took the girls shopping and my dad and I hung out for a few hours. I got some much-needed dad time. It was also my dad's birthday and he didn't realize the girls planned a surprise for him while we were out. They made signs, cards, bought cupcakes, played instruments. And then waited for us as apparently we were two hours late coming home (according to their schedule) so they were pooped out by the time we got there. We celebrated his birthday at a Japanese steakhouse and my niece was enthralled by the chopsticks. Kayla got sick after we got home but recovered by the next day-she didn't want to miss her recital.

Sunday, we had mother's day lunch at Macaroni Grill. Kayla gave me a card she made herself. It was very touching and something I didn't expect from her! I also got a book and some chocolates and apparently some earrings that she lost between home and the store. It was a new and weird feeling to get a bunch of "Happy Mother's Day" messages from people. But it was a really neat feeling to get the spend the day with both my mom and my new daughter.

Kayla's dance recital was Sunday afternoon so the rest of the day was spent getting ready for that. She looked beautiful and danced awesome. My little niece is so enamored of her and was enthralled watching her dance. She was in four dances in her recital-ballet, modern, tap and jazz. She was great in all of them and is clearly a gifted dancer. She went on all night about how she messed up in jazz, though. I told her no one noticed-I sure didn't-but she is way too hard on herself. She said next year she will do her best. We got home late last night after eating dinner out after the recital and I still have laundry and grocery shopping to do for the week. It was not fun getting up this morning.

We love Kris Allen

2009-05-08T21:40:00.004-05:00

Kayla and I are faithful American Idol watchers and have been voting for our dear Arkansas boy Kris Allen every week. I think I screamed out loud when it was announced he made the final three. Well, this afternoon, Kayla and I and a friend of ours made the trip to downtown Conway with 15,000! other people to watch his parade and homecoming concert. Boy, was it hot and crowded. Thanks to our lovely southern weather it was 85 degrees and humid. We stood in a crowd of thousands of people to catch a small glimpse of Kris (and it was small--thank God for the jumbotron). At one point, I thought I was going to collapse. No water and intense humidity is not a good mix. It was worth it to see our boy sing, though. Kayla was so excited and had "Kris Allen Number 1 Fan" painted all over her face. The American Idol producer said it was the best homecoming of any Idol he has ever been to and he said he has been to all of them in every season. That's impressive. He's done our state proud. I don't know if Kris can hold off Adam to win the whole thing but he will make it regardless. He has a great humble attitude and a wonderful voice. Afterwards, we ate Mexican food and we just now got home. It was a great night. My parents are coming tomorrow and we will celebrate my dad's birthday, Mother's Day and Kayla's recital. This was a good start to what I hope will be a fabulous weekend and a much-needed one at that.

Odds and ends

2009-05-04T14:03:00.003-05:00

Well, our therapy session last week went much better. It was in the morning and the therapist said that Kayla was much more open than usual and I joked that maybe we need to have them always scheduled in the morning.

Kayla had to have an MRI last week for a knee injury she sustained in dance class. She fell on her knee and hit it real hard. It turns out nothing is broken or torn, thank God, but she does have a large bruise/contusion that is causing her pain. She was fitted for a knee brace today so hopefully she can make it through her dance recital which is this weekend. We have dress rehearsal tomorrow night for several hours so we will be able to see how she makes it through that. It was not good timing for this to happen!

My allergies are the worst they have ever been and I am beyond exhausted at all times. We've got so much to do this week to prepare for dance recital and family coming in this weekend and all I want to do is lay down and sleep. Oh well. One day at a time, right?

Meltdown

2009-04-26T14:54:00.005-05:00

Thursday was a tough day. We had therapy and Kayla was confronted by the therapist about her not talking about her feelings. She stayed angry most of the session but wouldn't even admit that she was angry to us. It was very frustrating to say the least. But then at the end the therapist made a remark about her having a wall up and she kicked over the table and said she "was sick of everyone and everything" and started crying. The therapist said it was the first display of real emotion she had seen her have. So we left there and I couldn't get Kayla to talk about anything that happened, which I don't know why I thought I could if she couldn't in there but I tried anyway, then she accused me of trying to talk to her "when I clearly should have known she was done with the conversation." Then our social worker decided to pay us a visit and I told her some of what was going on and she went to talk to Kayla. We all tried to sit down and talk a bit later and that did not go well. Kayla cried and argued and then ran to her room. She told me she planned to "run away where no one could ever find her." Our social worker thinks Kayla still has not come to terms with the adoption and that she has never been forced to talk about her feelings so this does not come easy for her. She is used to living in a state of denial about what has gone on in her life and can function pretty well like that but I know she won't be able to function like that forever without dealing with some of this stuff. Our social worker thinks we should give it another month or two for the adoption finalization instead of trying to finalize in May since Kayla's feelings are just now coming to the surface. I see where she's coming from even though on one hand I wonder if the finalization will help her feel more secure.

Kayla has been at her sister's all weekend and I've been cleaning the house and trying to catch up on my rest. She was acting pretty normal before she left but who knows what kid will be brought back to me. Now that we've opened Pandora's box, I can no longer predict what mood she will be in and how my days will go. I think we're finally hitting reality here and it isn't pretty.

Staying busy

2009-04-21T08:55:00.005-05:00

We've been busy the last week or so. We went to Eureka Springs, a lovely little town full of charm in the mountains, last weekend and had a great time even though it rained most of the time. We even brought the dog and it was nice to get away for a few days though I've been running around like crazy since we've been back.

But the big news is I am putting my house on the market. I've been thinking about it for a while. My house was built in the 1950s and while it has a lot of character it also requires a lot of upkeep. Not to mention it's lacking in storage space and both of our bedrooms are practically on top of each other. So I have been looking at some newer houses with bigger bathrooms and updated appliances and lots more storage space. I hadn't found anything I really liked until last week. I can't get this house out of my head which I take to mean I should go for it so I am hurriedly trying to get my house in shape to be shown. This is stressful and scary and exciting all at the same time. I'll just see what happens and trust that if it is supposed to work out it will.

Easter eggs and clean kitchens

2009-04-13T09:25:00.002-05:00

A weekend out of town was just what the doctor ordered. It was nice to get away and spend time with family. My mom and I took Kayla and my niece to see the Hannah Montana movie Saturday and Kayla and my niece hung out all day. Sunday was cold and rainy but the kids had fun on their muddy Easter egg hunt.

And last night was when the miracle occurred. We got home late and had to go to the grocery store and Kayla started going through the refrigerator to see what we were out of and adding it to the list and her attitude was great all through the store. Then when we got home she decided to go through the refrigerator and pantry and throw out all the old food (of which there was many) and reorganize everything. It took her a couple of hours but it looks great. I now have a lovely, clean kitchen. And so now I'm wondering where did my daughter go? She wouldn't have done this last week. Maybe some of that stuff from therapy is seeping into her head. Whatever it is, I like it and I'm crossing my fingers I get to enjoy this new attitude of hers for longer than one day.

Living with a teenager

2009-04-10T09:04:00.005-05:00

I now feel like I am living with a real live teenager. The hormones are coming out and out of control. Kayla has been arguing over every little thing with me this week and then last night's therapy session was the icing on the cake. Oh boy, is all I have to say. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or jump out the window. She was so mad at me and the therapist. We are going to be working on communication skills this week and listening. I've written before that Kayla doesn't like to talk about her feelings or anything really personal so sometimes it takes a long while to drag stuff out of her and if you can't read her mind or don't know exactly what she is talking about then you are her enemy at the moment. We are also both very stubborn and like to be right so we clash often. Me, who doesn't like confrontation, is growing a thicker skin by the minute. It's the only way to survive in this ballgame.

We are also trying a new tactic for chores and being responsible. Kayla apparently has decided in the past week that she is tired of me telling her what to do all the time and it makes her "feel like a baby." I continually have to tell her or remind her what to do because as a child with ADHD she gets distracted and off task very easily. But whatever. The therapist told us to make a chart listing her chores and if she doesn't do what she's supposed to do she won't get her allowance for the week. Then it's on her and I don't have to worry anymore about what she does or doesn't do. It becomes her responsibility and she suffers the consequences. I also started reading the book Love & Logic for Teenagers last night, which is literally the bible for parenting kids that have difficult backgrounds. It's basically the same premise-let her make her own mistakes and suffer her own consequences for her choices...and the parent is supposed to stay cool, calm and collected. Maybe this will help lower my blood pressure!

Anyway, thank God it's Friday and Good Friday at that. We are headed to the family's house up north this afternoon. Happy Easter!

Shop til you drop

2009-04-06T08:47:00.004-05:00

Shopping for clothes with an almost teenager is a nightmare. We spent hours in just one store and when I told Kayla that we couldn't get everything--she needed to choose a few things she pitched a fit. Luckily for both of us, she snaps out of her moods really quickly. She did end up with some cute stuff for Spring to get her through the end of the school year and we got the all-important Easter dress but the process was exhausting. We ended up having dinner at Applebee's at 10 o'clock at night because we ran out of time and then I literally crawled into bed.

We went to see my best friend's new baby yesterday. Welcome to the world, River! He is adorable. All my friend's are having babies right now...and I'm dealing with teenage hormones. That must be karma.

Our 75-degree weather turned into a 40-degree high today with massive winds. Kayla turned up for school in one of her new spring t-shirts and strappy sandals. I told her she was going to freeze to death and she stomped off to change into more appropriate clothing. Somehow the weather is my fault, I guess!

Can I have my weekend back? If so, I would just stay in bed and relax all weekend long. Why didn't I do that?!

Much better this time around

2009-03-31T12:02:00.008-05:00

So our therapy session yesterday was much better than the last one. The therapist apologized to me for "forcing" Kayla to call me "mom." She said that Kayla was stubborn and that she wouldn't do anything the therapist asked her to do because she was told to do it. So the therapist said no more homework assignments. Kayla also told the therapist she would work it all out in her own time and would call me that when she is ready. And I totally agree with all of this. It shouldn't be forced because it would have no meaning then--when she's ready it will happen and it will have much more meaning to both of us. In addition, Kayla said that she is "willing to invite me into her family." That is huge for her and it took her 30 minutes to say it in session. She also made some additional disclosures that will be of benefit to us and told us that we miscontrue her words. The therapy stuff is hard for Kayla because she does not like to talk about feelings or anything personal but she did eventually get the hard stuff out last night and we both left feeling a lot better. Though I'm not sure the therapist did--Kayla must have told her a dozen times that she is mean and she didn't like her. Next time we are going to work on communication. I told her if she wants me to get exactly what she's saying then she's got to tell me exactly what she wants to tell me and not assume that I can read minds. She is fond of saying "You know" or "You know already" instead of saying outright what she is thinking and then gets mad when I don't know what it is she's trying to tell me.

We also had a visit from the social worker last night (yes, we had a busy night--I told Kayla at least we have it all over with for the week) and it appears our finalization date is still set for May. I told her I don't want to be surprised again if it's not and to let me know what's going on so my fingers are crossed that things will go smoothly from here on out.

Back to the grind

2009-03-30T08:53:00.002-05:00

Spring Break is over and we are back to the daily grind. Last week was so quiet and I didn't like it! That's the shocker. I've gotten so used to having Kayla in the house that when she is not there it feels very weird. I didn't know what to do with myself but I did get a chance to have dinner with friends and read and relax. Kayla was given a ton of homework over Spring Break so most of her nights were spent working on school work. She was not happy about that but she had a good time getting away for a while. Now we are on the final stretch for the end of the school year and I've got to start figuring out summer plans for her. We see the therapist tonight and our social worker--double whammy. Such a nice start to the week! ;)

Lemonade and gratitude

2009-03-21T12:57:00.006-05:00

I was awarded the Lemonade Award from Sheri. And it came just when I needed to be reminded that I am a good mom...thank you Sheri. Go visit Sheri's blog at http://www.sherific.blogspot.com/ and say Hi. She is a great mom and has a great outlook on life. I'm supposed to pass this on to others and I will get around to it. It's so hard to do when all of you who are on this same journey inspire me every day.

Thank you to those of you who commented on my last post. You really gave me some things to think about and I feel a lot better about things. I know it's going to take some time and for a teenager it's got to be hard to close the door on your past and connect with a new family. I can't even imagine what that must be like for her. I know Kayla guards her feelings closely (and understandably so) but hopefully with lots of patience and love she will eventually let down some of that guard.

Kayla left today to go spend her Spring Break with my parents and she is so excited about getting to spend the week with them and my nieces. She loves hanging out with my family and even calls them "Memaw" and "Papa." It has to be a good sign that she enjoys being with my parents and the rest of my family. I had one therapist tell me that it is much easier for older kids being adopted to attach to the grandparents than the parent because of all the issues they have with their own parents, which makes sense to me. So it should be a fun week for her and it will give me a few days to rest and take it easy before I dive back into this thing called "motherhood."

The "Mom" issue

2009-03-19T20:21:00.002-05:00

Kayla has called me by my first name ever since she moved in. It was kind of bothering me last summer so we had the conversation that went something like "I will never replace your real mom but if you want to call me Mom you can do so. If you feel more comfortable calling me Kristi then that's alright too." I felt relief after having said it and let go of it for a while.

In therapy tonight, she got confronted on not calling me "mom" and she kept saying "I will never call her mom." When the therapist asked her why, she said "I can't." The therapist said her homework was to call me mom...she said she wouldn't do it so it was changed to come up with some kind of nickname that wasn't as formal as my name. Right before time was over, Kayla said "I can't call anyone that's not my birthmom my mom." When the therapist asked her what she thought of me as she said "my guardian." We talked some about how it hurt me that she doesn't think of us as a family but it was right before the end so we couldn't really get into it. I'm sure we will get more into it next time. Kayla has very black and white views about her life and how it should be and is very stubborn about things and what she believes about certain things. She also has a fantasy about the perfect family (which is not me, the single mom, by the way). Part of me doesn't want to force the issue because her calling me anything would be just because she had to and not real but on the other hand delving into this issue brings up some important issues like how she views adoption and she and I as a family. It's very painful to hear the daughter that you want to raise and give a home to tell you she thinks of you only as a "guardian. "I don't know if that means she thinks of me as the person who is just going to take care of her until she graduates high school and then she's out of here. More will be revealed, I guess. In the meantime, she knows she hurt my feelings because she is scrubbing the bathtub. Scrubbing the bathtub?! That has never happened the entire time she has lived here.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T10:36:00.005-05:00

Did you wear your green today? I did because I was reminded by a girl who left the house in three different green necklaces.

Kayla went to see the psychiatrist last night for a check-in and the doctor upped her dose of ADHD medicine to the highest dose. I'm crossing my fingers this will work and we won't have to play the medication merry-go-round game searching for the right one.

Kayla spent most of the weekend doing make-up work and I spent most of it doing laundry and cleaning house to get ready for my parents' and little niece's arrival this Friday.

I don't have much else to say today except thank God the sun is out and the weather is warm...hopefully it's finally Spring.

Finally Friday

2009-03-13T09:22:00.005-05:00

Well, I sent Kayla back to school this morning. She has been fever free for over 24 hours so I figure she'll be alright. She also cleaned her room yesterday so I figure she must be feeling better if she actually did that. She's got a lot of makeup work to do, though, so she will have a fun weekend. ;)

We went to our therapy session last night and this therapist is going to be a good one. She asks you those questions you don't want to answer. She had Kayla hiding in the corner behind the couch because the questions got too uncomfortable for her. I think she will be good, though, in getting everything out in the open as painful as it may be. Kayla told her on the way out, "I don't like you today." We'll start seeing her every week from now on. Kayla will have her own session with her and then we will have family counseling right after. So we should be getting down to the heart of all her issues pretty soon. We'll see how this goes.

I am so far flu-free but absolutely exhausted trying to juggle work and caring for a sick child and trying to get all her school work together and doing the regular household duties...not a fun week. Hopefully next week, we'll be back to normal-whatever that is.

It's worse than I thought...

2009-03-09T15:01:00.003-05:00

Kayla has the flu. They swabbed her nose and it is indeed the flu. The doctor said every kid she had seen this morning has it so I guess it has finally hit our state. The doctor gave me a prescription for Tamiflu to try to prevent me from coming down with it. This is not good. This is when you really find out the joys of being a single parent...

Sickness

2009-03-09T09:40:00.002-05:00

Kayla spent the night with a friend Friday night and called me to tell me she thought she was getting sick. Yep, she was indeed. She was sick but feeling good enough Saturday to want to shop for clothes at Target but by Saturday night she was fast becoming immobile. When I took her temperature yesterday morning, it was 102. She also has a sore throat, cough and stomach ache to go along with it. So I made arrangements to work from home this morning and will be taking her to the doctor soon. I'm just crossing my fingers it's not strep throat and that I won't be next in line to get it.

Ready for Spring

2009-03-02T10:05:00.004-06:00

I survived the weekend but didn't get my much-needed rest. Kayla went to the movies with some friends Friday night but I had to go buy a baby shower gift and replace my comforter that ripped in the washing machine (the good times just keep happening ;). Saturday, after returning with a friend from a baby shower I could not find my keys and ended up calling the locksmith. As I was getting ready to teeter over the edge into a full-blown meltdown, I discovered my keys had fallen through a hole in my purse into some obscure place. Thank God last week is over!

Some friends invited us to dinner Saturday night and we enjoyed a lovely time with them while watching the snow fall down. It was beautiful and we stayed in the rest of the night and watched a movie. Sunday, Kayla finally got serious about cleaning her room and spent most of the day rearranging it and getting rid of all her trash. I also got together several bags of stuff to donate. It amazes me how fast she goes through clothes. She's gone through a big growth spurt since she moved in and clothes that fit her a few months ago are already too small. I was exhausted by the end of the day but we got a lot done and my reward was getting to watch Brothers in Sisters in relative peace and quiet. I've discovered that if she has some sort of project to do she is more calm and more independent. When she gets bored, though, it is constant needing of my attention and for me to entertain her.

They're forecasting highs near 80 by the end of the week and lots of sunshine. I can't wait. I don't think I could stand another month of winter.

TGIF

2009-02-27T10:02:00.003-06:00

So it's Friday and I'm waiting for the electrician to finish installing my ceiling fan and it's taking forever. It's been one of those weeks...everything that has happened has just managed to frustrate me endlessly. I am tired and stressed. Right now, I wish I could do nothing but sleep for two days. But that is a dream that is never going to come true. One of the biggest changes I have had to deal with being a single mother is no longer getting to crawl under the covers and hide from the world when I'm exhausted or having a bad day and there is no husband to ask to take over with the kids while I take some time for myself. I have to keep going no matter what I feel like or what is going on and some days I feel like I'm going to collapse from sheer exhaustion but somehow I make it through the day. I guess it's because we have no other choice, right?

Kayla started on her ADHD medication this week and I have seen no change. She is still hyper at night, she still struggles to get her homework done, etc. We saw the therapist last night and she is going to have the doctor's nurse call me today...hopefully. However, she has been going to bed earlier and getting up earlier instead of me having to tell her repeatedly to get out of bed in the morning. She even made coffee for me this morning! That was a nice surprise to wake up to. They put her on some medication to help her sleep at night and that seems to be working well. Now if we can just get the correct dose on the other one, we will be good to go.

Oscar Night

2009-02-23T11:20:00.003-06:00

Kayla and I got all dressed up in formal gowns last night and went to the Oscar Night America party benefiting the Wolfe Street Foundation. It is the only officially sanctioned Oscar party in Arkansas. We got the actual programs the people at the Oscars received and enjoyed a 5 course meal. It was a lot of fun and a good bonding time getting dressed up together for a special event. Before we got there, Kayla wanted to know if we had to stay the whole time and could we leave early. Once we got there, though, she asked if we could stay for the whole thing! I was so surprised but she actually seemed to be having fun, even though the fancy food was a little weird for her. They had a silent auction and we had a bidding war going on all night for a Walt Disney Enchanted painting but lost out at the last second. She was bummed about that. However, we ended up staying until Best Picture was announced and were one of the last to leave. That didn't make for a fun Monday morning but at least she doesn't have school today. I was proud of her last night. She sat still, had good manners, didn't complain (except about the picture which was justified), and didn't bounce off the walls. It's good to know I can take her to a formal dinner and she will behave like a princess!

A diagnosis

2009-02-19T21:21:00.004-06:00

Kayla and I met with the new counselor tonight to go over her treatment plan and objectives. She had some really good ones and I'm hopeful she can get Kayla talking about her past and the things she does not want to talk about because she doesn't want to feel. I think I am really going to like this therapist. I feel like I'm in on everything that's going on and she really gets kids that are in foster care. Kayla seems to really like her too--so far.

She gave Kayla an ADHD diagnosis, as well as adjustment disorder, and we see the doctor on Monday to discuss medication. I had a feeling she would get this diagnosis and hopefully she can get the right help for it. Since Christmas, I have noticed her get progressively hyper and distracted. I think it's a sign that she's getting more comfortable with me and I think it's great her true personality is coming out. I told her I would much rather you be you than to feel like you have to be on your best behavior all the time. However, she is bouncing off the walls nearly every night, constantly wanting me to watch her do something, is constantly losing things, has to be reminded no less than half a dozen times a night to take a shower, do her homework, clean up and now she says her teachers are getting on to her because she can't sit still in class. So I think it's time to try some medication and see if that doesn't help her focus and calm down. As we were leaving, Kayla pointed out one of the parenting classes they have at the clinic - Parenting the ADHD - and told me I should go...and then laughed and laughed.

Meanwhile, she's at a slumber party tonight. She doesn't have school tomorrow and I get some peace and quiet. Thank God! Monday can't get here soon enough.

Valentines and pageants

2009-02-16T12:37:00.006-06:00

Oh what a long weekend we had. Where is my holiday today? I could have used a morning to sleep in. Kayla went to the movies with some friends Friday night so I got some time to myself for a little while. She apparently had a falling out with one of her best friends on Friday so there was a bunch of drama leading up to the movies.

She was my Valentine this year seeing as how there's not much time for anyone else lately. I gave her a stuffed bear and an American Girl DVD. She gave me some chocolate, valentine's socks, lotion and a rubber ducky because I "like to take baths." I guess she thinks I need company in there ;). She was actually pretty good the rest of the day. She cleaned her room and watched her movie on her computer while I worked on a big work project. I then took her to eat cheeseburgers and to go see Confessions of a Shopaholic. This movie is the story of my life, by the way.

Sunday, Kayla was asked to be a guest at a pageant preliminary. She won a state title in 2007. She was so excited. She loves being in pageants and talks nonstop about them and researches them endlessly on the internet and fantasizes about being in every one of them, not stopping until she wins Miss America. I told her I wished I could make her fantasies come true but I'd have to win the lottery first. These things are expensive to enter! I had no idea. So Sunday she got to see some of her old pageant friends and dress up like a princess. We ate dinner with them afterwards. It ended up being a very long day and I'm still tired. What happened to my peaceful weekends? Oh yeah, a tween took them over! Such is life for me these days.

Dancing queen

2009-02-12T09:05:00.002-06:00

Kayla tried out for a solo part in her jazz class for recital yesterday and she got it! She was so excited. She's been talking about it for weeks. She's now talking about trying out for the competitive dance team and the school dance team. She's a really good dancer so I hope for her sake she makes it. I'm all for it because it gives her someplace to burn off her energy and gives her something to do and be passionate about--and we all need that.

Meanwhile, I'm exhausted. I've never liked the month of February. Winter starts getting too long and I start getting depressed. I need lots of sunlight and warm weather. So I'm ready for Spring...right now.

Social butterfly

2009-02-07T00:30:00.003-06:00

Kayla is becoming quite the social butterfly. In the last two months, she's been to at least four birthday parties. The latest one was tonight. I dropped her off at a friend's house for the little girl's 13th birthday. The latest craze is dance parties. I think this is the third dance party she's been to this year. All the girls get dressed up and giggle over the guys. She called me and wanted to spend the night with her friend Emily Claire afterwards so I picked them up and dropped them off and now have a night to myself. It is 12:30 a.m. and I am awake just because I want to do what I want as long as possible. The house is quiet and I can sleep in tomorrow. Maybe she'll be invited to another one next weekend. Here's crossing my fingers....;)

Family counseling, round two

2009-02-02T15:46:00.002-06:00

We had our visit with the new therapist and I think I'm really going to like her. Kayla even said she liked her better because she said the other one made her "talk about her feelings." We just did an intake visit and answered a million questions. Our first official visits will start in two weeks and we will have one hour of individual therapy for her and then one hour of family therapy. We got late appointments, though, so it shouldn't be too bad. But it will probably make a VERY long night for her. We also have to visit the psych again in a couple of weeks. Kayla probably doesn't need any medication--if anything, she's got some ADD issues flaring up so that may need to be addressed. But all in all it went really well. I also like that we are going to have family counseling every week instead of every other week. I think that will really help. So hopefully this will be a good thing. I'm learning a lot how to deal with constant change in my life--something I was never any good at.

Super Bowl hangover

2009-02-02T10:13:00.003-06:00

I threw a last minute Super Bowl party this weekend. I spent all weekend preparing for it and collapsed after the game last night. I was so tired. Too bad I couldn't sleep in this morning. Planning for a party is pretty stressful at times. Kayla was so excited, though, and had so much fun hanging out with people. I made chili and queso and had guests bring their favorite snack. We will be eating leftovers for weeks. My team didn't win...I was pulling for the Cardinals because I'm a big Kurt Warner fan but oh well. It was a great finish to the game so at least it was exciting at the end.

Back to square one

2009-01-29T09:40:00.002-06:00

DHS called me yesterday to tell me that we no longer have our therapist because apparently the entire office she was working in was shut down Monday unexpectedly. This is not a good thing because Kayla and I loved this therapist. She has been working with Kayla for months and has really gained her trust. She is excellent at working with foster and adoptive kids and knows all their issues. She is the reason our finalization was postponed-so that we could continue family therapy wit her. So this is very frustrating to say the least. DHS gave us an appointment with a new therapist on Monday and I'm just hoping and praying that she will be good and be able to help us. I can't believe we have to start ALL OVER, though. I just have to keep reminding myself that God knows what He's doing...

Wishing for my snow day

2009-01-27T09:33:00.002-06:00

Well, Kayla has a snow day today but I don't. The streets are just wet so far but they called off school. It IS supposed to get icy later so I guess it was some preventative planning. However, I had to go into work today. I did let Kayla sleep 1 1/2 hours later than normal so I guess that was something...so here we are. She gets to play on the computer and I get to work. I want a snow day too!

Winter blahs

2009-01-23T08:55:00.003-06:00

I have all good intentions of keeping this blog regularly updated but then life gets in the way...or in my case sickness. I have been sick with one infection or another since Christmas day. I've had a cold, the stomach flu, a sinus infection, and an eye infection. It sounds like I need to start a drip of Vitamin C in me. I just feel wiped out and drained constantly. I'm ready for Spring already...anyone else?

Kayla is going to spend the night with her sister tonight that she hasn't seen in a few months. I think it will be really good for both of them. Her little sister adores her and doesn't get to see her very often. And I will get some much needed rest time.

What they don't tell you....

2009-01-18T20:09:00.004-06:00

They don't tell you how hard it is to have the person who is to be your daughter (but who is a complete stranger) move into your home and immediately be expected to become a family. And they don't tell the little girl who moves into your home and leaves behind everything and everyone familiar that she will go through an adjustment period and these feelings are normal. It's a process that takes time and now, seven months later, we are moving closer to that goal of being a real family. As Kayla gets more comfortable with me and in our home, the effects of her past are coming closer to the surface. Older kids who get adopted go through a "honeymoon" phase where everything is wonderful and they are on their best behavior. Then as time goes on and they become more comfortable, the real issues and behaviors take over. Kayla has a habit of keeping everything inside and not talking about her feelings but she has been seeing a therapist for the past few months and has slowly started talking about some of these things. Last week we started family therapy together and our first session went better than I could have imagined. I think it will be really good for us to get all of these things out on the surface and deal with them now rather than later...or not ever.

We had a court date last week. We had originally believed our adoption would be finalized next month but now me, the therapist, and our social worker have agreed to hold off while we go through this period of counseling and give Kayla time to work through some of these issues and give us time to work on building a stronger relationship. I can already tell a difference in Kayla since our meeting with the therapist last week. She has been much more open about things in her life and telling me when she is scared. She even got angry with me once which I take as a great sign because she has not done that before. And you don't get angry with people you are not attached to...so I think and hope our relationship will continue to get stronger each and every day. It is a process and a journey, and for me, as well as Kayla, a valuable learning experience on dealing with feelings and issues as they arise and learning to be able to communicate and ask for help. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but I would not trade a minute of it.

Isabella's Birthday

2009-01-12T09:00:00.002-06:00

My niece, Isabella, turned 4 this weekend. She is the one who idolizes Kayla and talks about her all the time. We drove up north just to see her. She had a big day with Kayla. We took her for pizza and bowling and then Kayla wanted to take her to Build-A-Bear where she got her first one--all dressed up in a Wizards of Waverly tee.

My parents gave us their tickets to the musical Wizard of Oz Friday night. Kayla seemed to enjoy it. She hasn't seen much live theatre and loves the dancing, of course. It was a bit long and we were tired but it was a good show.

Saturday night we took Kayla to her first Arkansas Razorback basketball game. They have been on a winning streak beating two top ten teams. I don't know what happened to them Saturday, though. They couldn't buy a basket. We ended up getting beat and Kayla said she was bad luck for them.

Kayla spent yesterday afternoon on Match.com determined to find me a suitable boyfriend. That was uh...interesting. I have no idea what she's done on there. She's apparently "winked" at all these guys on my behalf so who knows what I have waiting for me on my email.

We start family counseling today. I hope it goes well.

Back to my routine

2009-01-05T13:57:00.002-06:00

I am so happy to be back at work today and feeling normal for the first time in two weeks. Being sick and off work for too long makes me crazy. Kayla did not want to go to school today. Her best friend from school moved to California over Christmas break. I hate that that had to happen since she already has a long history of people leaving her. She did spend go to a birthday slumber party for a girl from her class Saturday night which did her a lot of good. She came home in such a good mood she cleaned and organized her room on a scale I haven't seen in months. We'll see how long it lasts...

Happy second day of the year

2009-01-02T10:34:00.003-06:00

For 2009, I resolve to not be sick. I've been sick for the past two weeks and I'm done. I'm feeling better but still feel like I could sleep the day away. I ventured out on New Year's Eve with Kayla to get some dinner so I could feel like I was at least doing some celebrating and promptly came home and got sick. So much for that. We did stay up until midnight to watch the ball drop and toast some sparkling white grape juice with each other and the dog.

As for resolutions, I would like to eat healthier and work out more, stay within my financial budget, and grow more spiritually. But I would be happy if we could all just have peace on earth and an end to this economic crisis in 2009. So here's to what promises to be another interesting, life-changing year...

Double ugh...

2008-12-31T11:39:00.003-06:00

Now, not only did I catch a cold virus over Christmas I now have the stomach flu. Yesterday, I felt like dying. Today is better. What a way to ring in the New Year!

Christmas at the crack of dawn

2008-12-29T08:55:00.000-06:00

Kayla was so excited about Christmas that she woke up at 4:30 a.m. We opened presents around 6:00 a.m. I haven't been up that early for Christmas in years. She was so excited at everything she got. Santa brought her an American Girl doll and she had two stockings full of stuff. One was taller than she was. My dad cooked us Christmas breakfast and then I was off to bed again by 9:00 a.m. Later that afternoon, we all went to see Marley and Me. Having read the book, I thought I would be prepared for how sad it would be but my mom and I were both bawling in the theater. Marley looked exactly like our precious lab Lady who died a few years ago.

Even though I was not feeling good, I did manage to get to the mall the day after Christmas. Not even an illness will stop me from shopping good sales! I found a lot of good bargains and Kayla and my niece got to spend some of their Christmas money.

We had a wonderful holiday spending time with family and eating good food. Kayla feels like a part of the family now for sure and everyone has embraced her. I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas and enjoy the rest of 2008.

Ugh....

2008-12-29T08:54:00.001-06:00

I've been slow in updating my blog over Christmas because I caught a Christmas day virus and have been sick ever since. There were several sick people in our household over Christmas so it was not as fun a holiday as it could have been...at least I got some rest time.

Twas the weekend before Christmas...

2008-12-22T08:37:00.004-06:00

and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse...and certainly not Kayla! Kayla is so excited for Christmas. Her excitement starts building all day and by the end of the night she is totally hyperactive. And of course this is the time of day when I am wiped out. Makes for interesting conversation ;). However, it is wonderful to see Christmas through the eyes of a child this year....to them it is something really special.

We had dinner at a Japanese restaurant on Friday night with Kayla's aunt and uncle and little cousin whom she lived with the past year. We exchanged Christmas presents and had a good time seeing them again. Her little cousin gave me a ring which I proudly wore all night.

Saturday, we went to see my 94-year-old grandmother and gave her her Christmas present. We spent time sitting and talking with her. She's lived an incredible life and it's neat to hear her tell stories of my dad growing up.

Saturday night we went to eat Mexican food and see a movie and called it our Christmas dinner. I also gave Kayla her early Christmas present she has been begging endlessly to open. It was pajamas from Limited Too, her favorite store. The poor girl has no winter pajamas so hopefully she will be warmer now when she sleeps.

Yesterday, we got up and went to church and had communion for Christmas. The sanctuary was decorated so beautiful and the big screens showed snow falling. I left there feeling like it really is Christmas and remembering the reason why it is Christmas.

Last night we had Christmas dinner with the woman I call my "Little Rock mom" and her husband. We exchanged presents and Kayla loved the little angel dancer they got her. We sat down to a fancy dinner complete with glass tableware and excellent food...we both felt special. We ended up hanging out at their house for almost four hours we had so much fun.

And now we've got two more days full of Christmas parties and Christmas dinners before we pack up and head north for the holidays. With the Christmas shopping done, I hope I can remember to stop and savor the moments this Christmas week.

It's a snow day!

2008-12-16T10:21:00.002-06:00

We woke up this morning to streets full of ice. Kayla's school is closed and my office is closed so we got to sleep in in our warm, cozy beds. It's freezing outside! However, during the night I managed to cut my eye with my fingernail and I have been in excruciating pain for the last five hours. My favorite thing to do in my down time is read and I can barely open my eye. Not fun. I hope I can find a good movie to watch...

Stomach flu

2008-12-15T11:11:00.003-06:00

I received a call from the school nurse Friday that Kayla had thrown up in her English class. She proceeded to throw up constantly all day Friday but Saturday it was gone and she was worn out. We had to cancel all our fun weekend plans but I think it was good for both of us to get some rest. I'm crossing my fingers that I don't come down with this stomach virus.

I finished all of my Christmas shopping yesterday and wrapped everything up. So now I'm just waiting to see if this winter storm will keep us trapped at home the next few days...

Leaves and gingerbread houses

2008-12-08T08:50:00.003-06:00

We had another wild and crazy weekend. Kayla had a friend spend the night Friday night and they were actually pretty good, freeing me up to watch some TV shows that I wanted to watch and catch up on some reading. We had a baby shower for a good friend on Saturday and then afterwards we went and ate Chinese food at Kayla's favorite restaurant. Saturday night, we built a gingerbread house together and watched Christmas movies. We laughed and had the "I want a cell phone" conversation. Then we had the "I want a dog" conversation. I'm guessing these conversations never end.

Sunday, we went to a 1-year-old birthday party for another good friend of our's baby. Kayla loves little Caroline and Caroline loves her. They both had a big time. Sunday afternoon, we, along with our friend, Angelia, raked leaves. Yes, I said I raked leaves. I know that's surprising to some of you but I did it. I just thought of it as good exercise. Kayla helped some but she was more interested in making sure we got hot chocolate at the end. She did make us some good hot chocolate, though!

Six months

2008-12-08T08:45:00.003-06:00

Today, Kayla has officially been in my care for six months, which is the legal time in Arkansas that a child must live with you before the adoption is finalized. Our court date, for whatever reason, has been set in February. But I still can't believe it has been six months. It has gone by fast. I remember thinking when she first moved in that there is no way I can do this all day every day and yet I have been doing it for all these months. We went through the inevitable ugly transition period this summer and survived that period and since then it's been pretty smooth sailing with a few bumps in the road. Now, it feels like she has been in my life forever and I can't wait until she is "officially" mine forever.

Kayla's cause

2008-12-08T08:42:00.003-06:00

Kayla created a website this weekend to help hungry babies. She created the site all by herself and only asked me to do a little editing. She wants everybody to go see it and she's trying to figure out how she can get comments added because she wants everybody to "say something about it." The website is http://www.warmilkforsmallhearts.synthasite.com/. It's called "Warm Milk for Small Hearts."

Our Thanksgiving Weekend

2008-12-01T16:10:00.002-06:00

We had a great Thanksgiving weekend. We picked up my grandparents for the drive up there and back. Kayla really enjoys them and they love being around her. We had the whole family over on Thanksgiving day and stuffed ourselves, passed out, then went to see a movie--our holiday tradition.

My 3-year-old niece, Isabella, has fallen in love with Kayla and begged to come over and hang out with her everyday. Kayla taught her a dance they are going to share with us Christmas Eve. Isabella followed her everywhere and cried when she had to be apart. Isabella has found a new best friend.

We watched the Razorbacks come from behind in a miraculous win over LSU. My dad, Kayla, Isabella and I even left early because we were sure the game was over and we had lost. We were so wrong and we had to listen to the winning touchdown on the radio. I am glad for Casey Dick that he got to go out a hero.

We shopped, ate leftovers, watched movies ("Australia" was by far the best one we saw and the best one I've seen all year), slept, read, and ate some more.

And we will be back in three weeks to do it all again...

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T09:57:00.003-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends and family...I hope each and everyone of you have a blessed day and please stuff yourself.

I am thankful for God putting Kayla in my life. She's given me a purpose and a lot of joy.

I am thankful for my parents who have supported me through every twist and turn in my life and have opened their hearts to Kayla.

I am thankful for cheap gas which made the Thanksgiving drive home so much better!

I am thankful for good food and family.

I am thankful for my dog, Reba, that she has so far made it through her illness and will hopefully stick around for a little while longer.

I am thankful for my job and the wonderful people I work with which is a treasure in today's economy.

I am thankful for the best friends a girl could have...you know who you are.

I am thankful for God and all the blessing above which He has given me and many more.

Starting Christmas Early

2008-11-24T11:10:00.002-06:00

Kayla and I had yet another busy weekend and I am sure we will stay busy through the holiday season. She had a friend from her old school spend the night with her Friday and they went to a school dance together. I think they stayed up most of the night while I went to bed early.

Saturday night we went to see the much-anticipated Twilight. It was pretty good...the casting of Bella made me like her more but I'm still not sure about Edward's casting. I loved the rest of the Cullens, though, especially Alice. I thought they were perfect.

Sunday we went to a friend's birthday party for her son and then to see my friend Carrie's newborn daughter. She is so little!

We also got out the Christmas decorations this weekend. We decorated the tree together while playing Christmas music. Kayla realized, however, that we do not have anything to go on top of the tree so we are now on a mission to find something. Kayla also has us watching ABC Family because they are playing Christmas movies nonstop. So it is Christmas at our house and we haven't even had Thanksgiving yet!

National Adoption Day

2008-11-20T08:52:00.004-06:00

Kayla and I attended a celebration party for National Adoption Day on Saturday, November 15. It was a gathering of all the people who adopted children this year in Pulaski County and all those who are wanting to adopt children. They had the Heart Gallery on display of all the beautiful children that are available for adoption. They also did a slideshow entitled "This is Home" of all the families that have recently adopted. A professional photographer held a photoshoot in September and took our photos specifically for this video. She took a bunch but my favorite shot is the one I posted above. There was not a dry eye in the house during the video. When they showed "The Gray Family," all the caseworkers cheered real loud. They love Kayla and call her "Miss Diva" and "Drama Queen." We also gave our caseworker, Monica, one of these pictures because without her I wouldn't have Kayla. They also let all the adoptive parents take home our children's "Heart Gallery" photo because "they don't need them anymore because they all have a home." It was a special night and also put a desire in my heart for maybe another one...a little one this time. I guess I'll just see what God has planned for me.

Reba...and Reba

2008-11-17T16:04:00.002-06:00

Kayla and I went to the Reba McEntire/Kelly Clarkson concert Saturday night. Reba is my absolute favorite singer and she was at her best. This is the fourth time I've seen her live and she is still an awesome entertainer. Kayla didn't know many of Reba's songs but knew all of Kelly's...it was a great show and we had a blast. We had been looking forward to it for the past couple of months and hard to believe it's here and gone.

Last night, we had to rush my dog, Reba, named for the above-mentioned singer, to the emergency vet clinic. She had been coughing all weekend and last night started wheezing and struggling to breathe. Kayla kept saying "Reba, you're scaring me." They did x-rays and discovered she has a collapsed trachea. I was really scared last night because the doctor didn't sound too hopeful but we saw our vet today whom I absolutely love and she made me feel a bit better. It turns out Reba has kennel cough that exacerbated the collapsing trachea. The vet thinks that if we can treat her infection then she will probably be okay. So she is on antibiotics and cough meds. I took her to work with me today because I was too scared to leave her alone in case something happened. She's been resting most of the day and seems to be doing better. I hope so because I'm not ready to let go of her yet.

Nonstop activity

2008-11-10T13:16:00.002-06:00

I've been so exhausted lately...the time change and total darkness by the time I leave work leaves me drained at night.

We had another busy weekend. Kayla went to the movies with some of her friends from school Friday night and was excited to be asked to go. And for me, I got to catch up on some much needed rest.

Saturday, we had brunch with my grandparents. They were excited to see Kayla and get copies of her school picture. We sat down with them to watch the Razorback game but then left after the first interception which led me to believe, rightfully so, that it would be a long game.

Saturday afternoon, Kayla and I both stopped into Supercuts and got our hair cut. Neither of ours had been cut since the early summer so we are sporting much healthier hair now.

We went to the Arkansas Repertory Theatre's Young Artists Production Saturday night and it was awesome. I think Kayla really liked it and would love to be in it. They hold auditions in the spring but she isn't sure she can do the singing part.

Sunday, we went to church, the grocery store and a two hour adventure to find some decent winter shoes for Kayla. She kept asking me "What are winter shoes?" and I told her "You keep telling me your feet are freezing so to me that means you need some shoes that will cover your feet and keep you warm in the winter." Myself, I learned never to go shopping in heels again and bought me some moccasins so I wouldn't have to...my feet feel much better today.

Election Day

2008-11-04T09:04:00.001-06:00

Get out and vote!

Report Card

2008-11-04T08:59:00.003-06:00

Kayla got her first report card yesterday since she's been living with me. She had 5 As and 2 Bs--which is a 3.75 GPA. I was pleasantly surprised and very proud of her. We went to the mall last night to buy me some jeans that will fit me since I'm apparently gaining some weight (it pains me to say that) and we found a great sale on some velour sweatsuits and Kayla talked me into getting matching teal outfits for us which she wants us to wear to our upcoming National Adoption Day party. It was money I didn't need to spend but how can you resist your 12-year-old daughter wanting to wear the SAME outfit as you. I don't think it will ever happen again and it shows how far we have come in these few months. That is priceless.

Hello November

2008-11-03T09:10:00.005-06:00

We had another busy fall weekend. Halloween night we trick-or-treated in our dear friend's neighborhood and visited with her and her husband for a while. We even brought the dog. Then we had a late dinner at On The Border and a visit to Barnes & Noble. Saturday we had a baby shower to go to and then we went to see High School Musical 3. Kayla said it was better than the other two and I thought it was a really good feel good movie which is nice to see in these scary times. We also found a new dog store in the new shopping center where the theater was that is so cute. They had Razorback everything and we bought Reba a Razorback treat which she loved. Sunday we got up and went to church and then did our weekly chores--laundry and grocery shopping. The extra hour we got was wonderful. Kayla even cleaned out Reba's doggie room and the laundry room yesterday AND the back porch "just because." The weather has been beautiful but I'm ready for some cold--it is November after all.

This week we will have a new President. I'm getting up early tomorrow to be at the polls when they open. I hope everyone gets out and votes for the most important election of our time. We need change now more than ever.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T08:59:00.002-05:00

Kayla and I went to "Boo at the Zoo" last night, a great event our local zoo has every year. They had lights strung everywhere, a lighted pumpkin patch, trick or treat stands and carnival rides. We rode the train, called the "Haunted Express" for Halloween and Kayla grabbed onto me and screamed as people in costume jumped out at us along the way. We also shared a funnel cake and had a really good time walking around getting treats and looking at everyone's costumes. And tonight's the real deal. I'm still not sure exactly what we will be doing besides trick or treating but we'll figure something out. I hope everyone has a fun day!

Odds and ends

2008-10-28T08:53:00.006-05:00

It is officially freezing outside...and I can't breathe. I'm apparently allergic to heat so as soon as it's turned on in the house I become stopped up.

Kayla had two big birthday parties to go to this weekend. A slumber party on Friday and a costume party Saturday night. I didn't see her from Friday morning until 10:00 Saturday night...and I missed her. I didn't know what to do with myself on Saturday so I was absolutely lazy in a way that I haven't been able to be for months. I stayed in bed and read books and listened to the heartbreaking Hogs game and did nothing! I don't think I'll be able to do that again for a long time. I'm so glad that Kayla is making friends. She seems to fit right in with all the kids at school. She said last week that someone told her that she "was the most fashionable girl in school." I had to laugh at that because of the extreme budget clothes buying we do, but hey I do know how to find cute clothes at a bargain!

I attempted to bake pumpkin bread on Sunday and it was horrible. I don't know what I did wrong but I guess I'm not meant to be a baker. This is why I buy ready-to-eat food at the store...I apparently am missing the cooking gene.

Our local anchorwoman, Anne Pressly, was murdered in her home last week and Kayla has asked a million questions about it. She was on the station we always watch and lived not far from us and real close to some of Kayla's friends. Kayla wanted to drive by her house last night to see all the memorials, etc. It is a horribly sad and unimaginable crime that has left many of us, including me, sleepless all week. It's hard to answer your child's questions about why someone would do something like this....because really why would someone do something like this?

It's offically Halloween week and we've got pumpkins to carve, Boo at the Zoo to go to, and Halloween night to contend with so it should be another busy and hectic week at our household. Will it ever slow down?

Laugh of the day

2008-10-23T09:02:00.001-05:00

All I have to say is, the RNC paid $150,000 for her wardrobe and this is what she gets?!?! A democratic scarf!

Time is flying by

2008-10-23T08:50:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's almost Halloween and then the holidays are upon us. Kayla is invited to two birthday parties this weekend. A slumber party on Friday and a costume party on Saturday. So last night we went shopping for a costume. She had her heart set on being a Ladybug but Party City was out of the costume. We then went to Halloween Express and she found some cute striped thigh highs, a hat, and some jewelry and has decided to go as an eighties girl. She kept asking me what did you wear back then--lots of bright, loud colors. I'll post some pictures when we take some. So again she has an eventful weekend and I get some time to myself.

Four day weekend

2008-10-19T20:32:00.003-05:00

Wow. We have had a very busy weekend. Kayla had Friday and Monday off from school for teacher work days. We went to the Arkansas State Fair Friday and had a wonderful time. It was perfect fall weather. Kayla has been talking nonstop about the fair for the last month. She was so excited. We met up with her uncle and cousin and I'm soooo glad they were there because I got sick on a ride and Kayla would have been bored to death with just me. I can't believe I can no longer tolerate all these rides I used to spend hours on. I guess I really am getting older! We stayed at the fair for almost eight hours and Kayla rode just about everything on the Midway and we toured the Hall of Industry and got free stuff and we pet llamas, sheep and goats. And she kept thanking me over and over for taking her.

Saturday we went shopping for much needed winter clothes. I think and hope that she is set until at least Christmas. I still can't believe she came here with no jeans or winter clothes to her name. Saturday night, Kayla's friend Miranda stayed over and I took them out for pizza and then to see The Secret Life of Bees. Great movie and we all cried.

And then today I have been kid-free all day and all night long. Kayla went to Miranda's this morning and will be there until after work tomorrow. So I finally got a Sunday to rest and take a real long nap and read a really good book.

But I do kind of miss her...

Sunday brunch

2008-10-13T09:10:00.002-05:00

Kayla surpised me yesterday by making Sunday brunch and she did it all herself. She scrambled eggs "just like Papa does" and made waffles and toast to go along with it. She set the table and wouldn't let me come in there until everything was done. We sat down and had a wonderful breakfast together thanks to Kayla. It was a great ending to a beautiful weekend.

Fall weekend on the mountain

2008-10-13T08:57:00.007-05:00

Kayla and I spent the weekend on Petit Jean mountain with some friends. It was a beautiful weekend and tons of fun. It was so good to get away from all of the bad news in the world and just appreciate the beautiful world God made for us. Above is a picture of Kayla with my best friend's daughter, Skylar.

Ragweed has got me down

2008-10-09T10:42:00.002-05:00

I haven't posted much this week because I've been suffering the effects of ragweed. I'm horribly tired, achy, can't breathe and hope it will get better soon.

Happy Birthday Johnny and Carley

2008-10-03T09:26:00.003-05:00

Twelve years ago today my niece and nephew were born three months premature. They had to live in the hospital for those three months and then were sent home with heart monitors for their first year of life. I can't believe they've gone from those little bitty frail babies to the almost teenagers they are today. Carley is athletic, smart, social, pretty...and is an awesome basketball player and friend to everyone she meets. Johnny is super intelligent, a reader, emotional...and is addicted to video games and current events. I'm so glad they are a part of my life...and grateful Kayla has awesome cousins she can grow up with.

Happy Birthday, Johnny and Carley!

The end of September

2008-09-29T15:52:00.002-05:00

I can't believe we just had our last weekend in September but I'm so looking forward to October which is one of my favorite months of the year. I've already got a few Halloween decorations up and Kayla talks nonstop about Halloween, the fair, football games and all the things we have coming up this very busy month.

I got some much needed time to myself this weekend. Kayla spent the night with a friend Friday and stayed there most of the day Saturday. I actually got to go out on the town Friday night and had a nice dinner and saw Les Miserables--and it was fantastic. Saturday I did my major fall cleaning and changed out my wardrobe. Now I'm just waiting on the weather to change! Kayla and I went to a friend's house Saturday night for some homemade chili and hung out with a bunch of neat women. Then we headed to Harvestfest in the neighborhood near our house. They had a big fashion show on the main street Saturday night and showcased Korto's collection who is a finalist on Project Runway. It was a beautiful night to hang out on Kavanaugh and watch all the people and families.

We have another busy week and then head up the Hill this weekend praying for a Razorback miracle.

Where did the week go?!

2008-09-25T09:54:00.007-05:00

I can't believe it's already Thursday. The weeks are starting to fly by now that we have settled into our routine. I went to the gym the last two nights for the second week in a row and I'm glad I started back because I'm going to need that extra energy. It seems like we stay constantly busy and there's always something to do, somewhere to go, something to buy. And it's just going to get worse as we head into fall and the holiday season. Most of our October weekends are already taken up with activities. At least I can say life is no longer boring or mundane!

I'm exhausted today because I was up most of the night with a sick dog...she ate too much of something she shouldn't have and threw up all over my sheets. Not a fun night...but I did get caught up on my reading and love Edgar Sawtelle. Now if only I can get caught up on my sleep.

Kayla's counselor called me yesterday informing me that she was in the wrong math class. The registrar made a mistake and put her in a ninth grade Algebra I class and she hadn't even taken Pre-Algebra. I thought that was a very advanced class for her but without having access to all her school records, I just had to trust that the school knew the right placement for her. Well, apparently they didn't. But I'm glad they caught it now rather than at the middle or end of the school year. I'm impressed that she was hanging in there with Algebra I when she's never had any algebra concepts before. Now, though, she doesn't have to worry about a 7th grade class going on her high school transcript...eeek.

I need another day of rest

2008-09-22T12:37:00.003-05:00

I need a day of rest to recover from my weekend. We were going nonstop all weekend long. Kayla had a visit with the psychiatrist after school Friday. She is required to go to be in therapy. He was an odd man and his accent was hard to understand. I laughed out loud when he asked her if she heard voices in her head and Kayla said "Say what?" She was glad to hear she won't have to see him again.

Friday night, Kayla went to a Y-Teens dance at the YWCA. Y-Teens is a social and civic club at her school. She had a great time and said it was much better than the school dances. She said four boys asked for her number and she told them she didn't have a phone. I told her she could have given them the home number and she said "No way. Then you would answer the phone and that would be embarrasing."

Saturday morning we had our photos professionally taken. The Pulaski County Adoption Coalition is sponsoring a National Adoption Day event on November 15 and invited all new adoptive families from this year to have their photographs taken for a video they are going to show at the event. The photographer is also going to sell the photos taken at a discounted rate. I think we got some really good photos. They were taken outside at the Covered Bridge in Burns Park. I'm looking forward to seeing the proofs in a couple of weeks.

Saturday afternoon we watched the Hogs disintegrate. Can you call that football?

After the game, we went to the mall where I exchanged a sweater I bought the previous day for another one...the first clothes I've bought for myself since Kayla moved in. Then we went to Target and I bought some cheap Halloween decorations and Old Navy where I bought Kayla a few things for fall, which she desperately needs and needs more. After all that shopping, we headed to Outback for dinner. I had a gift card to use and we got to be waited on by my friend, Eme. We had a really good time at dinner. Afterwards, Kayla wanted Starbucks so I conned her into going to Barnes & Noble where she could get her Pumpkin Spice Frappucino and I could look at books. I purchased the next book in the Twilight series, New Moon, and The Story of Edgar Sawtelle after Oprah picked it for her book club and hearing her rave about it as the best book she's ever read...plus I'm a sucker for books about dogs.

I thought Sunday would be a day of rest, but no. Sunday we got up early and went to church and took our friend Angelia with us. Afterwards, we had lunch at Chili's. Then I had to do the dreaded weekly grocery shopping, then one of my friends came over. By this time, it was 4:30. I then proceeded to almost burn down the house. I boiled some eggs and then promptly left the house to go run an errand with Kayla--she wanted stuff to play in the backyard with so we headed to the dollar store--and I completely forgot about the eggs. We came home to a smoky kitchen and exploded eggs--not a pretty sight or smell. I then headed to a meeting and Kayla did homework outside on the bench. Came home, fixed supper, finished laundry, and finally finished reading the paper about 9:00 last night. Needless to say I need another day to my weekend so I can rest....

Facebook is the new high school reunion

2008-09-18T09:27:00.008-05:00

So I've begrudgingly had a Facebook page for the past year in an effort to keep up with all these teenagers in my life, but in the past couple of weeks I've had a full-blown high school reunion on Facebook. I've reconnected with over 50 people from my high school class and yesterday I had lunch with one of my very best friends from high school who I have not seen in over 15 years. And the amazing thing is she has lived in this city since graduating college and we have never once run into each other. It was so neat to catch up with her and hear about her life since high school. It was also weird to try to reconcile in my head those 17-year-olds of yesterday to the mature, responsible, family women we are today. It really makes you wonder where did all the years go? It's been over 17 years since I graduated high school. 17 years!!! On the one hand, it seems like just yesterday and on the other it seems like eons ago. A lot of life has been lived since then. And I think of all those teenage dreams of what I was going to do with my life....not many of them panned out...the best-selling novelist, the English teacher, the wife...I did become the world traveler and the mother and maybe there's time still to complete the other dreams. Yet I wouldn't trade the life I have today for any other. I had to go through everything I went through to get where I am today. But wow it is so crazy to see all these 17 year olds become mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, career men and women, world travelers, city dwellers and live in a 35-year-old body. It's really put a spin on my perception of things.

Let's dance

2008-09-18T09:27:00.006-05:00

Kayla has dance two nights a week. She takes a modern class Tuesday nights and a combination class for two hours on Wednesday nights. In the combination class, she has one hour of ballet and thirty minutes each of tap and jazz. She loves her modern and jazz classes which are taught by this young guy who was a semi-finalist on So You Think You Can Dance? and who played a dancing Barack Obama in a play at the Rep. She said her ballet teacher is mean...i.e., she won't let them talk during class, they must wear proper attire and have their hair in buns with no hair sticking out, and they can't let go of the barre for any reason. Kayla said she let go once for a few seconds and the teacher immediately lifted her back on the bar. I think it is great for teaching discipline. Every girl should take a ballet class just for the life lessons it teaches you.

Last night I arrived after my meeting to pick Kayla up and there were ten minutes left in her jazz class. She was really hamming it up and was clearly one of the best in her class. I was watching her through the window and one of the other dance teachers sitting nearby said "Look at that blonde. She needs to be in my hip hop class. I would love to have her in there." I told Kayla what the teacher said and Kayla said "Did you tell her she's mine?"

She's mine...Yes, she is.

Twilight

2008-09-17T15:42:00.004-05:00

And yes, I'm late to this party too. I've at long last succumbed to the Twilight craze. Kayla finally relinquished her copy of the book this weekend and I had the whole thing read in a few hours. It's an easy read and will satisfy your inner teenage girl. I'm curious to see how Edward is portrayed in the movie. It comes out 11/21/08 as Kayla frequently reminds me. And so now I guess I have to go get the next book in the series, then the next book, and the next one...am I now a Twilight mom?

The funniest thing I've seen in a long time...

2008-09-17T15:32:00.004-05:00

So I'm a few days late to the party, but this video of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler portraying Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton in the premiere of Saturday Night Live last Saturday had me laughing out loud. Tina Fey is so much like Sarah Palin, it's scary. If you haven't seen this, you must watch it or watch it again for a good laugh.

Making a commitment to myself

2008-09-16T09:53:00.003-05:00

I am going to the gym today...I am going to the gym today...I am going to the gym today. I have to keep telling myself this so I will actually go. It was a year ago that I finally summoned up all the strength and determination I had to sign up for a gym membership. I begrudgingly went and then surprised myself by falling in love with it. No matter how tired I was before I went, I left each workout with that magical "high"...pumped up and energized. It did wonders for my depression that rears its ugly head every once in a while. I was at the gym 4-5 times a week. Then Kayla moved in and there was no longer any time to myself...However, now we are in a routine with her dance classes which meet two nights a week and I realized that is precious me time. I have one hour and two hours to myself each Tuesday and Wednesday night and the gym is right down the street from her dance studio. So I have no more excuses. I will go to the gym today.

Freaky Friday

2008-09-12T15:51:00.004-05:00

My 11-year-old dog and love of my life, Reba, had to get her teeth cleaned yesterday. The vet didn't sedate her because of her age but Reba ended up losing a bunch of teeth in the process. Apparently, she has been in a lot of pain and no one knew. Hopefully, she will feel better now. Hopefully, she is still able to eat...

My dad has been in the hospital the last couple of days for another procedure for his heart. It didn't go as planned but I think they got taken care of what they needed to get taken care of...hopefully. As for dad, he is not happy about having to be confined to a hospital room for days on end.

My brother who lives in Houston is nowhere to be found. He's not answering phone calls, emails or text messages. So we hope he is out of the country on business and not being drowned by Hurricane Ike.

I had to wait in line 30 minutes! for gas this morning as the radio kept issuing reports of $5.00 gas sightings all over the region. I got a full tank of gas for $3.49 and I pray to God I don't have to pay $5.00 for it next time. Insane!

The news said there will for sure be power outages in Little Rock this weekend as well as major rain and strong winds from Ike...we just went through this a week ago and I'm not looking forward to the soggy, windy weekend.

Open House

2008-09-12T15:32:00.005-05:00

Kayla and I went to her Open House at her school last night. It was interesting. We all met in the auditorium and then followed their schedule around to all of her classes where we listened to the teachers talk about what they were doing in the classroom that year and their expectations for 10 minutes and then the bell rang and we moved on to the next class. The kids went with us to all the classes and the teachers didn't give you any extra time to talk to them but they did give us their email addresses and phone numbers. I've also got the secret code now to go look at Kayla's test grades and homework scores every day...I'm sure she's not happy about that! I can understand why she has a hard time following her English teacher because I did too. Kayla said she told us (the parents) way more than she ever tells the kids about what she is doing. Her Algebra teacher is very young but is supposed to be really good which I hope she is because Kayla has her work cut out for her in that class. Her science teacher is a National Award Winner and said this school is by far the best in the city. She had about 20 animals in her classroom including a tarantula, and our hermit crab, which Kayla gave to her after realizing she had no interest in one. I think he's much happier now in his huge glass cage than he was on the bottom shelf of her bookshelf in a tiny cage. She's taking Planet Earth as her elective. It's a science course where they focus on new technology like web searches, Google, MapQuest, wikipedia. She's also going to teach them how to read maps and do GPS. She said she wants to teach the kids how to do the latest technological advances because that is the way the world is going and they will need to know this stuff (I agree). She also throws some global warming and other earth topics in there. I really liked her social studies teacher who said they are focusing on World History and will have a big project they will be working on for National History Day in January. Her other classes were Health and Keyboarding, which seemed to be fairly easy as long as you show up. I also got to meet some of her other friends and their parents. There's a girl who is new at the school also this year and has her locker next to Kayla's and her mom said that Kayla helped her get into her locker the first week of school. After we went to all the classes, they had a reception in the library where they had a massive book fair. I don't remember having a book fair like that when I was in school--they had everything. All of that took over two hours and we were starving. It was 8:30 before we drove through Chick-Fil-A for our homecooked meal ;).

I will never forget

2008-09-11T08:41:00.005-05:00

Seven years ago today, I woke to a glorious September day full of sunshine and promise. I had just moved to Washington D.C. and was starting my second week at my new job, which I loved so far. Everything was falling into place-I had a great apartment with fabulous roommates, I had a new friend who moved from Boston to D.C. the same day I did, and this great job. I was ready and excited to start my new life in our nation's capital.

I got off the Metro and walked in that beautiful September sunshine to my office in downtown D.C., two blocks from the White House. I hadn't been there long when my friend from Senator Kennedy's office e-mailed me and said a plane just hit the World Trade Center. As I was trying to get on CNN's website and find out more information, I heard a blood-curdling scream from down the hall and then "OMG, the Pentagon has been hit." We rushed to a window and could see the flames and smoke from this massive building which was three miles away from where we were. After that, the TVs got turned on, the radios got turned on, the rumors started ("the State Department's being bombed," "the Metro's being bombed"). Nobody knew what was going on. All I can remember is the radio and TV announcers saying over and over "We are under attack. America is under attack." And all I could think is the city I am in right now is under attack. What do I do? I kept trying to call family members and friends but no phone calls were going through because everyone was trying to call someone. It wasn't too much later when someone ran down the hall screaming "Get out now...get out of downtown...a plane is headed for the White House." As soon as we heard that, we grabbed our stuff and rushed outside. There I was standing on K street and it was pandemonium. Cars were in a gridlock with everyone honking their horns, people were screaming and crying on the street. I came to work on the Metro and I didn't know how else to get back to Maryland but on the Metro which everyone was convinced was going to be bombed next. But not knowing what else to do, me and two of my co-workers hopped on the Red Line and held hands the whole way home. It was eerily silent on that train ride home...I think everyone was in shock or praying. I did make it to my apartment in Silver Spring in one piece that day. Unfortunately, not everyone did.

It's amazing to me that I can remember almost every detail of that morning in crystal clarity. It's almost as if time stood still for a while. I remember feeling fear like I never have before and it was very different from any fear I've ever felt. Knowing that what happens is out of your control, that external forces are invading the city you live in, sleep in, felt secure in and you don't know what they are going to do or what they are capable of, and that you honestly don't know if you are going to live through this day or not. It's a fear I hope I never have to live through again, I hope none of us do. We take for granted our security in this country and our freedom. Seven years later, 9/11 seems almost a distant memory. However, on 9/11/01 our country's security was violated and our sense of freedom was threatened...and it may very well happen again. This is why we must never forget.

Another busy weekend

2008-09-08T10:41:00.002-05:00

Kayla met the therapist for the first time Friday afternoon and I think she liked her enough. She liked the idea that she wouldn't have to sit in an office and "talk about her feelings." The therapist instead is going to take her out and do their nails, play games, etc. and perhaps talk about stuff in the process. Friday night, Kayla and I went to eat mexican food and see a cheesy chick flick. Saturday, the grandparents came and we went to lunch and shopping before leaving for the Razorback game. It was an exciting game and beautiful weather. Sunday, Kayla slept all morning and then we went to a picnic fundraiser where she got to see Anna throw a pie in my face for $125!

Kayla and Sarah Palin

2008-09-04T09:44:00.003-05:00

Kayla came in last night as I was watching Sarah Palin's speech and said "EVERYONE now wants McCain and her to win because her life is like The Secret Life of the American Teenager." For those that don't have a tween or teen in the house, The Secret Life... is the new hit show for that age group on ABC Family about a 15-year-old pregnant girl. It is disturbing to me that middle schoolers now think it is "cool" to be 17 and pregnant like Bristol Palin and Jamie Lynn Spears. While I applaud them for keeping their babies, all the media attention is glorifying teenage pregnancy and making it seem normal and cool to very impressionable young girls. But then Kayla went on to say, "Not me...I don't want her or McCain." So maybe there is hope for her.

Beginning therapy

2008-09-03T10:51:00.002-05:00

I met with a therapist this morning who is going to meet with Kayla one-on-one and both of us for some family counseling. I've been on DHS's backs for two months to get this going and finally got an appointment. I think that every kid going through such a major life change and transition needs therapy and especially one that's 12 years old. 12 years brings a multitude of issues to work out. I really like the therapist. She's young and energetic and has a lot of experience working with foster kids and adoptive kids and families and she's also starting TheraPlay training, which is THE attachment therapy designed to help kids with attachment problems. While I don't think Kayla has major attachment problems, I think she will benefit from therapy in dealing with her grief and loss issues and strengthening our attachment so that we can weather the teen years ahead together...and in one piece.

Gustav got me out of work

2008-09-03T10:48:00.002-05:00

I would never want to see a hurricane...a tropical depression is bad enough. We have flooding, trees down, power lines down, schools closed, businesses closed. My work is closed today due to the power being out...Kayla's school was open...so that means a free day to do whatever I want! which is sleep and read and sit in peace and quiet. I'm so excited! A rainy day reading in bed...it doesn't get any better than that.