Thursday was a tough day. We had therapy and Kayla was confronted by the therapist about her not talking about her feelings. She stayed angry most of the session but wouldn't even admit that she was angry to us. It was very frustrating to say the least. But then at the end the therapist made a remark about her having a wall up and she kicked over the table and said she "was sick of everyone and everything" and started crying. The therapist said it was the first display of real emotion she had seen her have. So we left there and I couldn't get Kayla to talk about anything that happened, which I don't know why I thought I could if she couldn't in there but I tried anyway, then she accused me of trying to talk to her "when I clearly should have known she was done with the conversation." Then our social worker decided to pay us a visit and I told her some of what was going on and she went to talk to Kayla. We all tried to sit down and talk a bit later and that did not go well. Kayla cried and argued and then ran to her room. She told me she planned to "run away where no one could ever find her." Our social worker thinks Kayla still has not come to terms with the adoption and that she has never been forced to talk about her feelings so this does not come easy for her. She is used to living in a state of denial about what has gone on in her life and can function pretty well like that but I know she won't be able to function like that forever without dealing with some of this stuff. Our social worker thinks we should give it another month or two for the adoption finalization instead of trying to finalize in May since Kayla's feelings are just now coming to the surface. I see where she's coming from even though on one hand I wonder if the finalization will help her feel more secure.
Kayla has been at her sister's all weekend and I've been cleaning the house and trying to catch up on my rest. She was acting pretty normal before she left but who knows what kid will be brought back to me. Now that we've opened Pandora's box, I can no longer predict what mood she will be in and how my days will go. I think we're finally hitting reality here and it isn't pretty.
3 comments:
I don't have any good advice, i really really wish i did, it must be such a hard time for you both...its such a crucial time, and with the added pressure of understanding adoption...well...all i can do is send a hug, let you know i am thinking of you, and i'm here to talk if you need me....
don't forget you are a great mum, a great team, and it will get better, i have no doubt...
Hmm. Alex resists talking for a while, but he doesn't sound as if he's as guarded about it as Kayla, so I don't have a lot of experience here. I will say this, though. Alex HATES questions. If I ask him how he's feeling or something in question form, I'm guaranteed to get stony silence and death glares. If I reflect back things like "you're feeling frustrated because..." sometimes (not always) he'll open up.
In a way, it might be a good thing that Kayla is resisting harder now. That might mean you're close to cracking through a bit. There are probably many layers of walls to get through... but a crack in the armor is a good thing.
I didn't realize the adoption had never been finalized. Is there a reason you had to wait so long? I can't even imagine how hard this is for you right now. It's like everything just happened overnight and she is unhappy. I'm doing an ad campaign in class and decided to focus on teen adoption. I was starting to convince myself, but maybe not after reading your post! j/k :)
I agree with Maggie about the resisting. It's great that you are addressing this now, rather it being unresolved later. You don't want her to feel like she didn't have a say in the adoption.
You probably already told me this, but how did you find Kayla? Through a private agency, foster care or a photo listing? Does she still have family, but they are completely uninvolved? Is there anyone in her family she still keeps in touch with - or this is it? You [and your extended family] are her only family? Did she express that she really wanted to be adopted in the first place...or was she not sure about it [some listings I've seen the child says they want to be adopted b/c...; some I've seen where the sw writing the profile says the child does not understand or does not want adoption]? I guess it would be harder if you had family around, but they just didn't want to or couldn't adopt you. She could still be holding out hope that they'll change their mind or someone will step up out of nowhere. It's got to be soooo hard at that age.
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